She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize