I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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