I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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