Apparently you make a good broom.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
