Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
