There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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