Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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