I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
