I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
this is an emotional support booty call
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
