i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
