when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize