if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
