I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
