i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
