Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
