Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
