Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
