My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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