shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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