Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Randomize