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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Milquetoast, coolest word ever.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?

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• (561): View more from Florida

  Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name

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• (714): View more from California

  You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.

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• (916): View more from California

  Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster

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• (727): View more from Florida

  You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.

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• (719): View more from Colorado

  The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.

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• (917): View more from New York City

  Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up

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