All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
