You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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