can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
