I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
