i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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