If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So many bounce houses so little time
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
