I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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