I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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