Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize