Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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