sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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