you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
