Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
