There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize