Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
