The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
