I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
