i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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