I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
