I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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