Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
