i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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