Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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