Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
