he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
