So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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