dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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