I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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