dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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