Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
