I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
