The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
