I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
