Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
