I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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