I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize