He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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