I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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