I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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