Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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