you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
