I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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