I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
