I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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