Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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